


Another Way

by liviay



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Depression, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 01:29:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10753926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liviay/pseuds/liviay
Summary: The first few days at Chopper Base, after Kanan returned from Malachor and had to deal with his injuries... told from Hera's perspective.





	Another Way

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little sad, so it might trigger some of you. Please be safe. Hope you enjoy it.

 The first days were the worst.

The man who had returned from some outer rim hellhole was not the same that left her promising to come back soon. No one had bothered to explain to her what happened, but she understood the moment she saw the terrible injury on his familiar face, a red burn so deep they were lucky it didn't rip his eyelids out. The blow wasn't meant to kill, but to maim.

_...extensive laser burn, almost leading to the rupture of the globes, Captain Syndulla..._

Hera remembered parts of the explanations the med techs and droids had given her. Their words echoed through her mind, and she kept mulling over their meaning during anxious days and sleepless nights.

_Necrosis of the cornea_

As soon as the base healers confirmed that the lesions on his eyes were beyond repair, Kanan no longer left his room at medbay. His meals begun returning to the kitchen untouched. He would spent his days sitting in the dark, bandages across his head, refusing to get up to take a shower. He'd stay passive as a droid cleaned his wounds and administered painkillers and other medications into his veins, but otherwise remained completely withdrawn from his treatment. He hardly spoke, and the few monosyllables he used to answer Hera's questions made her feel exasperated. Even his movements, always graceful and agile, became slow and rare; the muscles in his athletic body gave way to this languid thinness.

_Severe retinal damage_

She struggled to understand how things came to that point. Kanan was a survivor. Why he wasn't reacting? Why he was giving up like that? The rest of the Ghost crew seemed lost without the Jedi's leadership. Sabine spent most of her time with the mechanics, and whenever she met Hera, the girl had nothing but a nervous smile to offer. Zeb grieved, wandering around the limits of the base, but avoiding the medical area. Ahsoka Tano was nowhere to be found, gone. And Ezra ... Ezra never showed up to visit. Not even once, and she had sent him messages to come by, in hopes he would tell her what really happened. So all she knew about their unfortunate journey was that an old enemy, long thought to be dead, was actually alive, and he was responsible for Kanan's injury. But Hera still could not fathom how the stoic knight had surrended to apathy in such a deep way.

_Pain from this type of burn is the most intense_

When the third week of misery begun with no sight of improvement, she decided it was time to do something. She asked to be dismissed for the day and headed to the infirmary with a change of clean clothes and a tray of the best meal available at the base.

* * *

In spite of the radiant sun shining upon Chopper Base, the room's interior was as dark as night. Hera shuddered as she turned on the lights: Kanan was not even sitting this time. He layed on the bed instead, hidden under a blanket incompatible with the temperature outside. She circled it slowly until she could see his face. White bandage covered his eyes.

"Kanan?"

Hera called softly, as gently as possible. She reached out to touch him, but balked halfway, frowning.

"I brought you something to eat", she managed in her softest voice.

He just shook his head in mute refusal. At least he was awake, she thought.

Hera sat down beside the bed. She touched Kanan hesitantly but with tenderness, running her hand through his unkempt hair, its oily strands covering the pillow. She caressed his face slowly, and his unshaven skin rasped lightly against her fingers.

"You need a shower."

"I can't", he whispered.

"You just need a little help."

She walked to the bathroom and opened the door, pushing the metal bench used to assist patients into the shower area. She arranged towels and other bath supplies over the small sink, and even got a razorblade, a foreign object to a hairless creature like herself. Hera knew the room was a luxury, that Kanan wasn't in a condition that justified staying there any longer. He didn't even hold a military rank high enough to earn that. But the respect everyone had for him at the base somewhat endorsed such an indulgence, at least for the time being. She looked around, checking if she hadn't forgotten anything, trying to dismiss those thoughts. She was determined to get him out of that damned room.

Then she turned to the bed and pulled the blankets off carefully. He was still wearing the patient's gown the med techs got him when he was first admitted to the infirmary. She saw a shiver ran through his body, and the dark hairs that covered his long legs raised. He held his knees up, quivering in distress.

She felt his great pain in her belly, her chest, deep in her own bones, and wished with all her heart she was able to soothe it. But all Hera could do was shake her head at her own powerlessness.

"Kanan, you need to get up, please."

She disguised a sob, feeling tears welling in her eyes.

"Please...?"

Hera asked again and put her arms around him, trying to lift the man. Even though he was weak, Kanan was still too big for her, his body too heavy. But, just like a child would do, he endend up allowing her to help him sit down and lean against the headboard. He ran his hands through his hair, scratched his beard. She had never seen him look so frail, so disheveled. He seemed very young, lost, and she caught a glimpse of the little boy he might had been, a small fugitive hunted by the worst horrors of the galaxy, a desperate kid having to leave the only family he had ever known, witness the death of his master, give up his own name to survive. The tears she'd been trying to avoid fell down her cheeks without a sound.

Kanan did not notice them, his Jedi sensibility clouded by layers and layers of this overwhelming intimate suffering. Hera wiped her eyes. She needed to be strong. For him.

"Can I help you with your bandages?"

He touched his temples and lowered his head. His dark hair covered his pale, tired face, and he murmured "yes". Hera undid the bandages with great care, trying to conceal her anguish, fearing what she was about to find under the white gauze. She knew she would love him regardless of anything, but she did not know how Kanan would react. But much to her surprise, the wound was healing well. The intense red lines had no signs of infection. His eyelids were intact, the eyelashes too. She took one of his hands, brought it to her lips and kissed it affectionately.

Kanan opened his eyes, and she finally contemplated them. The big, blue-green circles she remembered, that were luminous like jewels against his tan skin, had become opaque, with a strange cloudy white hue. And the sclera, the part of his eyes that were supposed to be white, were red and watery from the burn, as if he had wept for hours. It came to Hera's mind that, in all those years, she had never seen him cry.

"How do I look?"

She thought for a moment before answering, not because she had any doubt about what to say, but realizing that there was no irony or sarcasm in the question, no sign of her glorious, playful Kanan, her Jedi knight. She bit her lower lip.

"Dirty and skinny. You need to eat and take a shower", she said, pushing his hand, urging him to move.

"One step at a time, love ... put your legs out of the bed..."

He obeyed with great effort, and Hera helped him get to his feet. For a moment she had the impression that he would fall, but Kanan held on to the matress and regained his balance.

"Are you alright? Can I help you get undressed? "

"I'm fine"

He undressed in slow motion, as if he was moving inside a ship with no artificial gravity, but he did it without her assistance. Hera saw his ribs pressing against the skin of his torso, and the small amount of fat he had in his warrior's body disappeared with all that fasting. He looked sickly, lanky. A few weeks ago, the sight of Kanan's naked body would have been a delightful invitation to love, but at that moment, it was the physical expression of his broken spirit.

But he would recover, she had faith. He _had_  to get better. She believed in herself, she believed in him, and she trusted the Force.

Hera offered him a shoulder to lean on. Together, they walked the few steps to the bathroom like the miles of a desert walk. Kanan was panting and chattering his teeth at the same time, reaching out with stretched arms like a blind person would do... and she realized he was indeed a blind man now, despite of his amazing abilities. She flinched, but things were what they were. They would have to learn to live with that. She led him to the shower bench, where he collapsed with a sigh. Hera pressed a few buttons on the wall and the hot water poured over his body, splashing at her, but she didn't care.

Kanan spent a long time under the showerhead, and he shivered until the steam escaped into the rest of the room.

* * *

She had never took care of him in such a devoted way. They were so independent, she hever had to. Hera washed his long hair, cautious with his wounds. She lathered and rinsed his large body with loving gentleness, massaging and caressing the muscles of Kanan's back, his long limbs, and even his feet - "his _gigantic_ feet", she joked to herself - one toe at a time. She felt him relax, and he even helped her with the razorblade. Hera did nothing more than shave the rough stubble on his cheeks, leaving him with a full beard. She washed the last traces of soap, and switched off the water. Kanan rose from his chair without aid - a small victory - and she began to dry him up.

When Hera finished, she gazed at her handsome although scrawny knight, all fresh and clean, and couldn't help but to stand on her tiptoes and kiss him. Hera's lips touched Kanan's only for a second, but his mustache tickled her. She giggle and then covered her mouth, afraid he might think she was making fun of him.

But then he hugged her tight, the first embrace they exchanged in weeks, and whispered close to her _lekku_ :

"It's so good to hear you laughing..."

She enjoyed the warmth of his body, damp and naked, and they stood there for a long moment, without saying any words. After a while, Hera regretted having to move away from Kanan and break the silence, but they couldn't spend the rest of the day like this. Holding his hands, she led him to the chair by the bed and made him sit down.

"Now you need to eat, Kanan Jarrus."

He grimaced, but didn't reply.

"I'll help you get dressed. Real clothes. Let's get rid of this sick person dress. And then you're going to eat."

Hera paused for a moment, and the natural tone of leadership in her voice gave way to an almost pleading one:

"Just one or two little pieces, okay? You'll love what I brought."

Without giving him time to question her orders, Hera stepped forward and slipped his head into a shirt. She waited for Kanan to get up and helped him get into clean pants, socks, boots, at a painstakingly slow pace.

Fully clothed, he sat up again, gasping for air, as if the effort to get dress had been too much.

"Why all this, Hera?" - he asked angrily, in short breaths.

"You have to leave this room, Kanan", she said flatly. "I'm taking you to the Ghost. I'm going to take care of you there."

"I don't wanna go outside!" he snapped. He really looked younger, fragile.

"Why?"

"I'm... scared"

She hugged him again, and Kanan buried his head in her chest. "Everything is so dark now. And lonely. The Force seems so distant. I feel the light turning away from me"

She could hear his labourious breathing, his deep voice getting higher, like a whimper.

"I'm afraid of falling. I'm afraid of tripping. I'm afraid I can't be myself anymore. It hurts so bad, everything hurts. I've never been so scared in my life, not even when... when... "

He fell apart right before her very eyes, shuddering, murmuring in disarray. It seemed like those words had piled up and swelled inside him after so many days in silence, after a lifetime of restraint... and now they'd escaped in a relentless stream Kanan could not contain. Heartbroken, she watched as his agony turned into a mournful and unprecedented weeping. He sobbed into her arms, clutching at Hera's body, unaware that he was hurting her. But nothing hurt as much as seeing him like that, utterly desolate.

"Not even when the clones.. when they killed Master Billaba. I was such a coward. I, I just ran... I feel so coward..."

She cried too, silent tears, listening to his desperate lament.

"And Ezra! Ezra... how can I teach him if I can't even shave my own damn beard, Hera? All of this happened because I couldn't convince him not to follow Maul... the man who did this to me. What am I going to do now? This darkness in my eyes... this darkness stole everything from me. What am I supposed to do now, Hera?"

How could she answer to this? How could she save a Jedi Knight? She just held Kanan as tight as possible, trying to support him, to calm him down, like back in the days when they had no one else but each other.

And then the Twi'lek and the Jedi cried together, as though they really were the only people standing on the surface of Atollon.

* * *

She cradled him for a long time, but did not allow herself to give in into his despair. When his sobs waned, and all she could hear were muffled sniffles, she gently raised his face and kissed his forehead. She wiped the tears from his face, cleaned it gently, and protected his bruised eyes with clean bandages, stoping to kiss him from time to time, just barely brushing her lips against his.

"Kanan, love, you're gonna make it. I know you will. Because we'll be together. I'll be there to help you" - one more kiss - "always".

She ran her fingers through Kanan's hair, combing it back with her hand. She resented forgetting to bring a hairtie, even though he looked so good when he wore it loose. 

"You _will_ get over it. That's what we do, Kanan. We're rebels, we fight againts the direst odds, and win. _We find a way_."

He breathed slowly, trying to compose himself.

"I'm sorry, Hera. I'm so sorry..."

"There's no need to apologize."

She kissed him again, this time a little longer, and he kissed her back, holding her waist.

"But you do need to eat, love."

He nodded in agreement. Hera brought Kanan the tray of food and made him smell it.

"Are those... Lothal's waffles? How did you do it?"

"Zeb frozen a batch ages ago. I saved the last ones for you, for a special day... but I guess now is better than any other time."

He touched her face longingly, her full lips, her left cheek.

"Thank you, Hera. I love you."

"I know... but now, less talking and more eating."

Hera gently fed him a small piece of the pastry, cheering while he slowly chewed and swallowed it. When she noticed a faint smile under all that funny, although rather charming facial hair, she felt glad.

 


End file.
